"I Want To Want It... But I Don't"

👉 Understanding Numbness, Shame & the Sexual Freeze

May 23, 2025

PLEASE NOTE: This article primarily speaks to cis gendered and heteronormative individuals, but the principles here apply to anyone looking to understand their bodies (and their nervous systems) on a whole new level.

I’m going to cut to the chase: safe, connected, pleasure-filled sex is one of the most under-resourced areas of our lives.

Now, what do I mean by that?

In the world of somatics (aka the realm of “get out of your head and into your body”), we use the term resourcing to describe anything that brings a deeper sense of safety, presence, and regulation to your nervous system.

Resources are the things that help us feel okay. Safe. Supported. Present.

They bring more of our parasympathetic nervous system online—that’s the part of our systems that say “Ahhhh, I’m okay now.” Think that feeling you get when: cosying up in a blanket, hearing a loved one’s tender voice, getting a snuggle from your pooch after a long day at the office.

So when I say sexuality is under-resourced, I mean that most of us never received the tools, support, language, space, or safety to explore what sex actually means to us.

Instead, we got:

A side of ritualistic shame with our first period.
Messages about being “too much” or a “slut” if we wanted it, but then “frigid” if we didn’t.
Zero education on how female arousal works (spoiler: the movies got it wrong).
And a sex ed curriculum that, if we’re honest, had less to do with pleasure and more to do with fear, pregnancy, and abstinence.

If you’re anything like me, your first “sex ed” came from the media—those glossy 2000s romcoms where a woman orgasms after one soulful kiss and a whopping 4 seconds of penetration.

Not only does this set up wildly unrealistic expectations (hi, where’s the foreplay?), it wires us into performance mode. Because if we’re not orgasming like that, or if we’re not dripping with desire the moment our partner walks in, we start to think something’s wrong with us.

But let’s be clear: if you’ve ever thought “I want to want it… but I just don’t,” or you’ve felt completely numb, checked out, or disconnected during sex—then please know that there’s nothing - and I mean NOTHING - wrong with you!

Instead, you’re likely experiencing a functional freeze.

So, what is a functional freeze?

A functional freeze is a state of nervous system overwhelm where you appear fine on the outside (aka you’re functioning), but inside your body has hit the brakes.

It’s a subtle form of shutdown. You’re not in full-blown panic mode. You’re not running away. But, you’re just… not quite here either.

You're disassociated, checked out, going through the motions.

It’s your body doing what it was wired to do when things feel unsafe: conserving energy, minimising risk, and freezing to protect you.

And this state can become our “normal.” Especially if we’ve spent years overriding our no’s, performing pleasure for someone else’s benefit, or feeling shame around our sexuality, our bodies or even our basic human needs.

How does freeze show up in sexuality?

Oh let me count just a few of the ways.

You’re mid-sex and feeling nothing. You’re not in pain. You’re not scared. You’re just… gone.
You find yourself thinking, “I guess this is fine,” even when your body isn’t responding.
You can't quite tell if you want it or not—there's no clear yes or no, so you just sort of go along with it.
You fantasise about sex and crave intimacy, but when the moment arrives, you feel like a blank screen.

This, my love, is not a libido issue. It’s not because you’re broken and it’s not because you’re not a “sexual person.”

It’s your body’s way of saying: I don’t know that it’s safe enough right now to surrender into pleasure.

Which brings me to…

Why does it happen?

Functional freeze responses don’t appear out of nowhere. They usually come from a history of unprocessed experiences—whether that’s trauma, chronic stress, disconnection from your body, religious or cultural shame, or simply years of pushing past your own boundaries to please others.

Think of it as your body’s long-term coping strategy.

If you’ve ever felt like you had to say yes when you wanted to say no…
If you’ve ever faked pleasure to avoid awkwardness…
If you’ve ever been intimate when you weren’t ready but didn’t want to “ruin the mood”…

Then your nervous system learned that your no wasn’t safe to honour. So it got clever. It said, “Fine. We’ll just go numb instead.”

Here’s the good news: It’s not a life sentence.

You can thaw out. You can reconnect. You can feel turned on, lit up, and actually present during sex.

From a former “decade-long-numb-as-fuck-oscar-winning-bedroom-performer”, I know how impossible it can feel. But believe me when I say pleasure, joy and a wildly satisfactory sex life is not only possible, but it’s inevitable when you learn how to reconnect to your body!

But here’s the catch: You don’t get there by pushing harder.

You get there by honouring what’s real right now.

The oxymoron that changes everything: Honouring your “No” leads to your “Yes”

Here’s where it gets juicy—and, yes, frustrating as hell.

Because what I’m about to say might go against everything you’ve been taught about how desire works.

Ready…?

When you honour, listen to and respect your “no,” you create more space for your full-bodied “fuck yes.”

I know. It sounds backwards.

You might be thinking, But if I keep saying no, how will I ever feel desire again? Won’t that just make things worse?

Here’s the truth: most of us have been taught to override our no’s from the very beginning.

We didn’t want to be rude. We didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. We didn’t want to seem frigid, or uptight, or like a “baaaaad” partner (insert dramatic and overly exaggerated eye roll).

Most of us have been conditioned to think that being sexually open, liberated and free means always being sexually available and ready to go - as a sexual educator, I get this trope a lot!

And for many of us, the way we’ve learn to navigate this is to smile, to nod, to perform. We fake the moan, we go along with it, we push ourselves through.

Even when there’s a part of us whispering—or screaming—I don’t actually want this right now. Or I don’t feel safe enough yet, to do this.

But that quiet protest? That subtle contraction in your chest, the clench in your belly, the mental checkout mid-kiss? That’s your body setting a boundary. And every time you override it, you reinforce the idea that your body isn’t a safe place to be.

And when your body doesn’t feel safe, pleasure hits the breaks.

Why?

Because pleasure isn’t performative—it’s relational. It depends on trust. And your body will only open up to pleasure when she feels respected, heard, and safe enough to relax into it.

How To Make Her Scream (Part One)

Alexa Berry

Jan 30

Read full story

So what does it mean to honour your “no”?

It means pausing. Listening. Noticing.

Noticing when your body withdraws, tenses, numbs, or freezes. Noticing when something feels off—even if you can’t logically explain why. Noticing when your yes is coming from guilt, obligation, or fear rather than desire.

And then—here’s the radical part—choosing to stop.

Yup! Choosing to say, “Babe, not right now.”

Not as a rejection of your partner. Not as a rejection of sex.

But as an act of honouring yourself. Your needs. Your desires.

…and let’s be real, any partner worth a damn would never want you to experience something you weren’t a full fuck yes to!

So here’ the fun part: every time you honour your no, you rebuild the relationship with your body. You show her: I’m listening now. I won’t abandon you. You matter.

And slowly, that freeze you experience, begins to lovingly thaw.

Your “no” is not a wall. It’s a doorway.

The nervous system isn’t a light switch, it’s a dimmer. You don’t go from numb to turned on just because someone lit a candle and asked nicely. I mean it helps but…

It takes time. Tenderness. Space.

And when you stop pushing, and start pausing…

The no softens. The freeze starts to melt. The mind stops spinning stories about what you should be feeling—and the body finally gets to speak.

And often, what she says isn’t “I never want sex again.”. It’s:

“I want to feel safe first.”
“I want slowness.”
“I want to be touched like I matter.”
“I want to be invited, not expected.”

When you respect the no, when you stop trying to flip the switch to desire now, you create the conditions for genuine, full-bodied yeses to emerge.

Not performative yeses. Not guilt-induced yeses. But real, visceral, grounded-in-your-pelvis yeses that ripple through your whole magnificent, badass being.

And that is where true pleasure lives.

So what now?

If you’re in a place of numbness or disconnection, know this: You’re not broken. You’re not a “prude” (insert second dramatic, and even more exagerated eye-roll). And you’re definitely not too much, too little or not enough.

You’re a human being with a beautifully intelligent nervous system that for it’s many, very real, very understandable reasons, has been trying it’s best to protect you.

The way back into desire isn’t by pushing. It’s by pausing. By listening. By slowly learning what it means to feel again—and knowing that you get to take your time.

You’re allowed to not want it.

And you’re allowed to want to want it.

Your body knows the way back. And she’s waiting for you to listen.

With love,

Alexa Xx

The Pleasure Edit

How To Make Her Scream (Part One)

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