One Simple Phrase That'll Radically Transform Your Sex Life
And super charge those pleasure muscles.
When I Finally Decided to Dive into My Own Pleasure…
It was late in the pandemic when I decided to explore my sexuality. It had been a long time coming, yet I’d put it off for years, brushing off the nagging feeling that something was… well… missing. After over a decade of feeling numb during sex, wondering if maybe I just wasn’t "doing it right”, I finally decided it was time to face it head-on.
So there I was, a woman with a solid resume in overthinking and faking orgasms, but zero qualifications in actual pleasure. And let me tell you: I was terrified. Terrified of what I might uncover, of facing the lingering shame that had somehow nestled itself around my sexuality, and of exposing the deep seeded fear that maybe, just maybe, something might be broken with me.
If you'd asked me then, I probably would’ve scoffed at the idea of feeling sexual shame. I mean, I was raised in the 21st century FFS! I grew up on Sex and the City reruns, vibrators with more settings than your phone, and eons of steeling my older sister’s subscription to Cosmo!
So why would I, in all my supposed modernity, feel ashamed?
Tall Tales & Bedroom Fails: Rewriting the Myths That Hold Us Back
I convinced myself that the reason I’d never experienced a penetrative orgasm was because I just hadn’t met the "right" partner (oh, the stories we tell ourselves). Or I’d think, “When I finally lose those extra pounds, I’ll stop worrying what my stomach looks like and relax more.” Sound familiar? I’d even reason that maybe if I kept faking it for long enough, then eventually something would slip into place (these puns just write themselves!).
Spoiler alert: none of those worked.
The truth was, deep down, I feared that real pleasure, the kind I craved, just might not be available to me. And that fear kept me stuck.
Shame is a funny thing. It starts small, but if we don’t address it, it quietly grows until it’s loud enough to drown out everything else. Finally, I couldn’t ignore it anymore, and that’s when I decided to take action.
I’d love to tell you that my first attempt at embracing pleasure was an instant success, like flipping a switch. But, nope! It wasn’t that simple. Decades of numbness and fear don’t melt away over night.
But then, I stumbled upon one simple phrase that genuinely changed everything:
“Let Pleasure Be the Measure”
Ever notice how we’re taught to approach sex through a goal-oriented lens? Whether it’s solo play or a steamy affair with a partner, the unspoken (or spoken!) objective often seems to be… *drumroll*… orgasm!
This goal-oriented approach acts like a sneaky pleasure thief.
When climax becomes the finish line (and the ONLY finish line), it subtly implies that anything short of an earth shattering, mind-blowing, “holy-shit-I-can’t-beleive-I-just-experienced-that” kind of Orgasm, is a failure. And when we fall short of this, as many of us often will when starting on the journey of reclaiming our bodies and pleasure, shame starts creeping in, reinforcing the belief that we didn’t “do it right,” or that it “wasn’t good enough.”
When we experience numbness, disconnection, or shame in our sexuality, this approach of chasing one specific goal acts as a padlock to the pleasure doors (hell - it’s like throwing on a whole freaken chastely belt!). This then only worsens our feelings of inadequacy, which in turn shut us down even more, which again further removes us from any potential pleasure we might feel.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve had plenty of incredibly pleasurable experiences that didn’t culminate in orgasm. And on the flip side, there have been times when I forced myself to chase that peak, only to feel more tense and disconnected than before.
This rigid way of measuring our sexual experiences leaves no room for subtlety, exploration, or true connection. It’s an all-or-nothing, black-or-white approach to sex (and often a deeply un-intimate one!).
But here’s the truth: real pleasure doesn’t fit into a binary box, and the journey toward it is so much more nuanced. And fun!
Cue **saint** Emily Nagoski and the Game-Changer Phrase
Enter Emily Nagoski, the author, educator, and all-around genius behind the book Come As You Are. Her work is packed with insights and I recommend her to almost everyone I meet - including random strangers on flights (they’re not going anywhere 👹).
But it’s this one little phrase that hit me so profoundly that it has since become my north star in every single sexual, erotic and intimate encounter:
“Let Pleasure be the Measure.”
When I first read that, it was like a light bulb moment. This tiny statement offered me something I’d been missing for years: permission.
Permission to let go of goals, to step out of the binary lens of “success” or “failure,” and simply allow pleasure to be my compass. Rather than focusing on what my body was “supposed” to feel, I could start honouring what it was “actually” feeling.
And you know what? Magic began to happen.
Why It Works (And How to Try It)
“Pleasure is the Measure” shifts your focus from what’s missing to what’s present, grounding you fully in the experience itself.
Here’s why this works on a biological level: when we ditch the goal-driven “Orgasm Only” measuring stick, we actually allow our nervous system to relax. Our bodies move out of the “fight or flight” mode, where we’re subconsciously tense, and into a more relaxed state.
This happens in the brain’s prefrontal cortex (and our parasympathetic Nervous System)—the area responsible for focus, relaxation, and pleasure. By not forcing ourselves to reach a specific outcome, we create space to actually enjoy the journey.
With this shift, you can start to embrace what’s there rather than judge yourself for what’s not. Ironically, that’s when the real fireworks become possible.
Permission to be Fully Present
“But wait Alexa, the whole point of me reading this is that I WANT to experieince (more) Orgasm. Are you seriously just telling me to lower my expectations?”.
Well no! And maybe a little bit. Just to start with.
I want you to experience orgasm! Of course I do. I want you to have all the mind-bending ecstasy imaginable. I want you to be wild, and free and experience all the pleasure you can possibly imagine - and then some!
AND… the irony is that the best way to get there is often by letting go of the need to get there.
By stepping away from our performance-driven approach to what sex is “supposed” to look like, which let’s be honest none of us ever got a real education on sex for pleasure, we create a safe, nurturing (and steamy) space to truly feel our experience.
And from this space of being in tune with how our body feels, we’re able to listen to the breadcrumbs of pleasure, which eventually create a roadmap to unimaginable bliss.
It’s about meeting your body not where you think it should be but where it is.
Imagine that: pleasure, on your own terms. In that moment, it doesn’t matter if you climax or not, because the experience itself is fulfilling.
Your New Mission, Should You Choose To Accept It.
Next time you’re with yourself or a partner, Let Pleasure Be The Measure.
Feel what’s there. Slow down. And trust that you don’t have to force anything. The beauty of this mindset is that it redefines success in sex as the joy, curiosity, and connection that can be found in each touch, each sensation, each breath.
So whether it’s toe-curling bliss or gentle relaxation, let that be enough. It’s a simple phrase, but it carries the power to transform everything.
Embrace it. Love it. Own it. Vibe with it. Embody it. And watch your pleasure muscles transform!
With love Xx
P.S. Desiring to unlock the pleasure within? Book in your FREE 1:1 Connection Call with me here and let’s see how we can work together to unleash the kind of sexual satisfaction you’ve always been worthy of having!
Any questions or insights? Let’s talk! You can find me on the Gram here - or shoot me an email at alexa@alexaberry.com