The Turn-On Formula: What Science (And Somatics) Say About Desire
A juicy deep dive into what fuels long-term desire and arousal.
Have you ever snuggled up with your long-term partner, feeling all the love – yet wondering why your spark isn’t sparking like it used to?
You’re not alone, and there’s nothing “wrong” with you or your relationship – it’s more about understanding the science of arousal and adding a dash of playful experimentation.
Your see, desire is a bit like a slow-burning candle – it needs the right conditions to keep glowing.
So, let’s dive into The Turn-On Formula: a mix of research and somatic wisdom that shows what really creates desire, how our brains and bodies get turned on (or off), and a 3-part formula to reignite passion.
Because, as usual, I’ve gotchu boo… 😉
So, What Actually Creates Desire?
What really turns us on, especially after the honeymoon phase fades? Is it all about wild positions and new tricks? That would be an outstanding “No-Way-Jose”.
Desire in long-term love is a balancing act – a steamy tango between security and novelty.
Esther Perel, a renowned relationship therapist, hits it on the nose: while love craves closeness and certainty, desire needs a dash of mystery and distance.
In simpler terms, too much predictability can smother the fiery excitement we all crave.
Now, don't worry; seeking novelty doesn't mean you need to perform circus acts in the bedroom. Sometimes, it's the little changes—a new perfume, a different date spot, or a fresh way to start foreplay—that can reintroduce that crucial element of mystery.
Let’s dive in a little deeper….
How Desire Works in the Brain & Body
Alright, time to get a little sexy-nerdy - my favourite position - and explore what’s happening under the hood when you feel (or don’t feel) that urge?
Dopamine: The “Gimme More” Chemical.
Dopamine is the neurotransmitter of anticipation and wanting – basically, your brain’s gas pedal for desire. When something is new and exciting, your brain squirts out dopamine, making you alert, curious, and hungry for rewards.
It’s what gives you that zing that says I want that.
And, you guessed it, novelty triggers a surge of dopamine, which our brains love.
That’s why the first stages of romance feel so exhilarating – everything is new, and you’re practically doped up on dopamine, eager to explore each other.
Over time, as we habituate to the same partner and routine, those dopamine spikes level out (because, well, you’ve seen this show before).
But the good news: you can hack this!
Even small changes can reignite dopamine. A tiny tweak – a new kind of kiss, a change of scenery – can prompt your brain to say “Ooooh, what’s this?!” and before you know it you’re off to the races.
Oxytocin: The Cuddle Hormone (and Double-Edged Sword).
Oxytocin is often called the “love hormone” or “cuddle chemical.”
It floods us during moments of bonding – like after orgasm, during cuddling, or hugging a friend for more that 7 seconds (I fully recommend it FYI).
Oxytocin basically makes you feel all warm and lovey-dovey, reinforcing your emotional connection.
In a long-term relationship, oxytocin is your friend – it helps you feel safe, which is essential for vulnerability in bed. Feeling securely attached means you can relax together, a prerequisite for pleasure and orgasm.
However, here’s a twist: while oxytocin builds intimacy, some researchers theorise that an overdose of “safety” can occasionally tamper with raw lust.
In other words, being joined at the hip 24/7 might make you emotionally close but can diminish the polarity or erotic charge between you.
It’s a total cluster-mafloosy (technical term): we need closeness to have great sex, but we also need a bit of separateness to ignite desire.
The Solution?
To see oxytocin (closeness) and dopamine (novelty) as opposites that compliment each other. Think date nights, surprise massages, new shared hobbies – anything that injects fun uncertainty while you still feel safe together.
Stress Hormones: The Lust Killers.
If dopamine is the accelerator, cortisol and adrenaline (stress hormones) are often the brakes.
Our nervous system has two modes:
The “all systems go” parasympathetic state: also known as “rest-and-receive” - the state where arousal happens),
The “uh oh, danger!” sympathetic state: also known as“fight-or-flight,” - where sexy times go to die.
When you’re stressed out – deadlines at work, financial worries, an unresolved argument, loud inner critic chatter – your body flips into survival mode (fight-or-flight).
In fight-or-flight, your brain basically says, “Holy shirt-balls, there’s some serious danger here! I ain’t got time to get down and dirty right now” and it literally diverts blood away from the genitals.
This is hardwired biology and will lower (if not completely shut off) physiological arousal - like erection, lubrication, orgasm.
When cortisol is high, libido tanks. It’s biology’s way of saying “fix the stressful stuff and then we can get frisky Freddie.”
Habituation: When Hot Becomes Meh.
The other body/brain phenomenon to know is habituation – basically, getting used to a stimulus so it doesn’t excite you as much.
It’s kinda like how the first bite of chocolate cake is heaven and by the tenth bite you’re sorta over it - I mean, depends on the day, but you know!
In a sexual context, habituation is why the same routine, positions or moves might have given you fireworks initially but now barely spark a sizzle.
The good news: As mentioned, even small doses of novelty can offset habituation. Trying new activities together (inside AND outside the bedroom) have been proven to boost sexual desire and overall satisfaction.
And you know what, I’ll do you one better! Sexual Educator (and down right hysterical badass) that is Susan Bratton has created a “Sex Life Bucket List” for those who want a little extra inspiration for adding steamy novelty to their bedrooms.
PS. I’m not an affiliate to Susan Bratton in any way. Just a champion of her delicious work!
In short, desire is a whole-body, whole-mind experience.
It’s fuelled by brain chemicals, influenced by nervous system states (stressed vs. relaxed), subject to habituation, and moderated by your personal “wiring” of turn-ons and turn-offs.
Understanding these elements sets the stage for our formula…
How to reignite that desire, step by step.
The 3-Part Formula for Reigniting Desire
So, your mission (should you choose to accept it) is to create the ideal conditions for that slow-burning candle of desire to roar back into a flame.
Based on research and some somatic (body-based) wisdom, here’s a three-part formula:
Safety & Relaxation – Calm Down to Turn On
Arousal Mapping – Know What Really Excites You
Erotic Tension & Play – Flirt with Mystery and Mischief
Let’s break down each part in our playful, practical formula:
1. Safety & Relaxation (Your Body’s On Switch)
I know. I know. It sounds kind of counter intuitive, right? After all, isn’t desire supposed to be all about heat, steam and animalistic wildness?
Well yes….. AND…
If you know me, my work or literally any article I’ve ever published then you know this, but let me remind you: your nervous system needs to feel safe to get aroused.
Remember the fight-or-flight vs rest-and-receive modes?
If you’re stuck in stress or anxiety your mind and body is going to kill that libido. Why? Because it thinks it has bigger fish to fry!
The first step to ALL pleasurable sex is low stress and high affection – basically, when you feel relaxed, loved and secure.
Start with the nervous system.
This can be as simple as taking a few deep breaths together, doing a little physical relaxation ritual before sexy time (like a warm shower, or a mini-massage), or setting aside worries (maybe you both agree to put phones away and ignore the outside world for the evening).
When you actively calm your body, you shift into the parasympathetic “rest-and-receive” state where arousal can rise. Blood flows back to your genitals, your touch sensitivity heightens, and your mind becomes present.
Emotional safety is key too.
This is where the lovey-dovey stuff really shines. If there’s lingering resentment, unresolved conflicts, or fear of judgment between you and your partner, those are like unseen break pedals in your brain.
Tending to your relationship – showing kindness, active listening, rebuilding trust if needed – pays off in the bedroom. When you feel truly accepted by your partner (and vice versa), your guard comes down. That’s when you can be vulnerable, which is super sexy because great sex often requires letting go of control.
One fun tip: set a sweet stage before seduction. Maybe that means cuddling on the couch with no goal of sex, just enjoying touch and warmth. This builds oxytocin and signals to both your nervous systems: “we’re good, we’re safe.”
When your body knows it’s safe, it can freely want.
2. Arousal Mapping (Discover Your Unique Turn-Ons)
Ever notice how what totally turns one person on might do zilch for another?
Desire is highly individual.
That’s why part 2 of the formula is Arousal Mapping – essentially, figuring out what specifically lights your fire (and what douses it).
Start by identifying your Accelerators (what turns you on) and Brakes (what turns you off).
Make it a fun exploration. Grab a journal (or better yet, discuss with your partner) and list out: What situations or stimuli reliably turn me on? and What tends to shut me down?
Be honest and specific.
Your Accelerators (turn-ons) could be:
Physical (e.g. slow kissing on the neck, the smell of cologne, a certain kind of touch or pressure),
Mental/Emotional (e.g. feeling pursued or desired, hearing loving words, engaging in playful banter, power dynamics or gentle dominance, etc.),
Environmental (e.g. a clean bedroom, mood lighting, knowing the kids are asleep and won’t interrupt).
Your turn-offs might be things like: stress about work, feeling rushed, particular insecurities, certain unattractive smells or sounds, performance anxiety, body image worries, etc.
This is your personal “user manual” for arousal. No two people’s maps are exactly the same – and that’s normal!
There’s no right or wrong; pleasure is the measure of what works for you. If it gives you good feelings (and it’s consensual), then it’s the “right” thing for you.
So throw out ideas of what you “should” be turned on by, and embrace what genuinely excites you.
By mapping your arousal, you essentially give yourself a cheat sheet to “what works for us.” It turns desire from a mysterious will-o’-wisp into a somewhat predictable recipe you can follow – or at least tweak.
Keep in mind, this is an evolving map. What turned you on at 25 might not at 45. What works in the summer might falter in the winter.
Stay curious and update each other. Think of it as your lifelong erotic research project. Approach it with a sense of humour and adventure: “Okay Freddie, so kissing with tongue after a glass of red wine while Prince plays in the background is a 9/10 on the turn-on scale – duly noted!”.
That’s the essence of arousal mapping: know thyself, then turn thyself (and each other) on.
3. Erotic Tension & Play (Keeping the Spark Alive)
Now for the really fun part of the formula: injecting some erotic tension and playfulness to keep things exciting.
This is the spark, the spice – and everything (sinfully) nice.
One big ingredient here is…. anticipation.
Think of desire like a cat (I know, not where you thought I was going but I can’t think of a better analogy!): if you dangle a string and then pull it away a bit, the cat goes wild chasing it. If you drop it in its lap, the game’s over.
Humans are similar – we often enjoy the chase or a little tease.
Why? Because anticipation builds dopamine. And us, being the sexy scientists that we are, want to use that to our advantage!
Instead of going from zero to sex with no build-up, create a build-up.
Start flirting well before you plan to have intimacy. Send a cheeky text in the morning hinting at what might happen later. Or, while cooking dinner together, whisper something suggestive, then playfully switch back to normal chat – keep them guessing.
These little cues that “something hot is coming” send the brain’s wanting circuitry into overdrive, so by the time you actually get to bedroom… fireworks!
Which brings us to playfulness.
Let’s be real: sex, at its best, is adult play. It’s where you get to be creative, silly, passionate, uninhibited – hopefully laughing as much as moaning.
Introducing play could mean anything from funny inside jokes in bed to donning a playful persona. The specifics only matter insofar as they make you both smile and tingle.
Being playful also means dropping expectations and judgments - because when we’re in play there are “no mistakes”.
If you try a new position and fall off the bed laughing – that’s great! Laughter releases tension and actually bonds you (plus a laughing orgasmic partner is a happy partner).
When you’re playful, you’re telling your partner “I feel free with you.” This freedom and permission to be goofy or exploratory builds trust and erotic confidence.
And thats just about as damn sexy as it gets!
In essence, Part 3 is about never fully “closing the book” on your erotic journey.
Keep writing new chapters – some will be sweet, some spicy, some hilariously clumsy, and some downright transcendent.
The couples who laugh together, learn together, and aren’t afraid to mix things up are the ones lighting up the bedroom well into their golden years.
You don’t need wild tricks, just a willingness to infuse intention and imagination into your sex life.
Desire is a Journey, Not a Destination
Here’s the big takeaway: long-term desire isn’t a magical state you either have or don’t have – it’s something you cultivate.
In fact, a long-term relationship can be the best place for mind-blowing sex because you have that deep trust to build on.
Remember, desire is like a flame: sometimes it wanes, but with care it can blaze again. Tend to the basics (safety, love, relaxation), stoke the fire with knowledge of what it needs (your arousal map), and add a pinch of mystery and play to keep it dancing.
So here’s to melting the myth that long-term couples are doomed to a fizzled-out sex life. You have the science-backed secrets and the somatic tools to change that narrative.
Go ahead and fan those flames, lovers. 🔥
Until next week Xx
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Dear Alexa, I want to thank you for this article and all your AMAZING content. Your words have been transformative for me. Just wow ❤️🔥
The insight, the education, the sass, the way you share your knowledge and expertise! I’m here for it in every way! Thank you for doing this work! 👏🏽🎉