Why You’re Not Broken
The Truth About Pleasure and Female Arousal
Let me guess: you’ve thought it before. Maybe even screamed it into a pillow (or several) after yet another "meh" sexual encounter or a frustrating solo session where your body didn’t seem to cooperate.
"What’s wrong with me?"
"Why does it feel like everyone else has this figured out?"
"Am I broken?"
Stop. Right. There.
Let me save you years of googling, late-night tears, and doom scrolling through questionable advice columns - because shame spirals help no one.
You are not broken.
Full stop.
You never can be. And you never will be.
In fact, you’re astonishingly normal. If you’ve ever struggled to feel pleasure, arousal, or connection, it’s not because your body’s defective or your sex drive is permanently missing in action. It’s because no one has told you the truth about female arousal and pleasure. So buckle up, because I’m about to serve you a steamy plate of facts, sass, and a dash of science to blow your mind (and body 😈).
Why the "Always Horny" Myth is Utter BS
Let’s start with the myth that’s been haunting bedrooms since time immemorial: if you don’t feel ready to jump your partner’s bones 24/7, something must be wrong with you.
This idea didn’t come out of nowhere—it’s been reinforced by pop culture, bad advice from magazines, and a society that treats women’s bodies like vending machines (insert fancy dinner, receive passionless sex).
It also happens to be completely untrue.
The reality? Desire doesn’t work the same way for everyone.
Enter two of the most important concepts in the world of pleasure: spontaneous desire and responsive desire.
Let’s explore…
Spontaneous Desire: The “Netflix and Chill” Version
Spontaneous desire is exactly what it sounds like: a sudden, out-of-nowhere zing that says, “Oh hi, I want sex now.” This is the kind of desire you see in movies when two people lock eyes across a crowded room and are instantly ready to rip each other’s clothes off.
And sure, it’s real. For some people. For some of the time.
Spontaneous Desire tends to show up more often in men (though not always and not all of the time). For those with spontaneous desire, arousal often leads the charge. They’re turned on first, and then they seek out a sexual encounter. This form of desire is often at it height during the “honeymoon” phase of relationships.
But here’s the kicker: spontaneous desire isn’t the gold standard. Just because you don’t feel that way doesn’t mean you’re broken. In fact, studies show that most women don’t experience consistent desire like this.
Say Hello To Responsive Desire: The Slow Burn
Now let’s talk about responsive desire, the unsung hero of arousal. Responsive desire works a little differently—it kicks in after your body and brain have had a chance to warm up.
Think of it like this: spontaneous desire is your brain saying, “I want pizza!” Responsive desire is your friend ordering pizza, the smell wafting in, and you thinking, “Oh hey, actually, pizza sounds amazing right now.”
In other words, responsive desire is context-dependent. It responds to stimuli, like touch, connection, dirty talk, or feeling safe. For many women, this means they might not feel “in the mood” right away, but with the right environment (and maybe a little foreplay), that green light starts glowing.
Translation: You don’t have to feel turned on before sex to enjoy it. Sometimes, the desire shows up during or even after things get going. And that’s normal. Beautiful, even.
IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: There can be a misconception with responsive desire, that if my partner just starts (think penetration or going straight the clitorus), then your body will eventually get there. Often this is a hells-to-the-no!
The key with responsive desire is that the external stimuli - such as soothing touch, a sensual bath, slow gentle kissing - is PLEASURABLE to you.
Responsive desire is less about the action and more about how your body responds to it. So give yourself permission to play, to get creative, to explore, and to bath yourself in what feel good!
🚨 Remember, Pleasure First 🚨
The Science of Why This Happens
Blame biology (and a bit of psychology). Your sexual response is tied to your nervous system, which has two key players:
Your Accelerators:
These are the things that say, “Fuck yes, this feels good—let’s keep going!” They might include:
That spine-tingling kiss on your neck that feels like they’ve just found the hidden button that turns off your self-control.
When they call you by a pet name but in that voice (you know the one).
Eye contact. Not the creepy, serial killer kind, but the I’m undressing you with my brain and we both know it kind.
Your Brakes:
These are the things that say, “Hard Pass! Nope. Absolutely Not. Not Happening. Shut it down Bruno!”. They might include:
Stress so bad your to-do list looks more like a cry-for-help manifesto.
The memory of that snarky comment your partner made three days ago that you’re totally over (but also, totally not).
Body image worries—because nothing kills the vibe like thinking, “Does this angle make my thigh look weird?”
For responsive desire to thrive, your brakes need to ease up, and your accelerators need a gentle nudge. This is why safety, trust, and relaxation are so important for female arousal—they signal to your body that it’s okay to shift into pleasure mode.
How to Get Curious About Your Desire
So now that we’ve busted the myth of spontaneous desire, what’s next? How do you figure out how your unique desire works and start to embrace it? Let’s get into some practical tips:
1. Set the Mood (For Yourself)
Responsive desire loves an environment that feels cozy, safe, and inviting. Dim the lights, play some music, light a candle. Hell, buy yourself that sexy satin robe you’ve been eyeing. You’re not being extra—you’re creating a vibe.
2. Experiment with Touch
Start small. What feels good on your skin? A soft caress, a firm massage, the weight of a blanket? You’re exploring what wakes up your body—not rushing to the finish line.
3. Remove the Pressure
Here’s a radical idea: sex doesn’t have to lead to orgasm 🤯. Sometimes, just being present in your body is enough. When you remove the goal, you’re free to enjoy the experience without judgment (and shame!).
4. Communicate with Your Partner
If you have a partner, let them in on the secret of responsive desire. Tell them what helps you feel safe and connected, and encourage them to slow down and explore with you. (If they’re worth your time, they’ll listen.)
5. Try Somatic Practices
Somatics is all about connecting with your body. Try deep breathing, grounding exercises, or gentle movement to support your nervous system and invite pleasure in.
What to Remember When the Doubts Creep In
There’s a reason so many women feel “broken” when it comes to sex and arousal. We’ve been lied to. We’ve been told that pleasure should happen effortlessly, that our bodies should behave like well-oiled machines, and that if they don’t, the fault is ours.
But here’s the truth: your body is not the problem. If anything, it’s a miracle. It’s doing exactly what it’s meant to do—protecting you, adapting to your environment, and asking for a little extra TLC.
The next time you catch yourself thinking, “Why am I like this?” try reframing it: “What does my body need right now?”
You Are Not Broken, You Are Brilliant
Let’s be clear: your body is a masterpiece.
It’s not “difficult” or “complicated”—it’s exquisitely unique. And the more you learn to work with it, the more you’ll realise just how much pleasure, connection, and joy it’s capable of.
So give yourself permission to slow down, explore, and rewrite the story. Because you deserve to feel alive, radiant, and deeply, unapologetically connected to your body.
And when you do? Oh honey, the world won’t know what hit it.
With love Xx
P.S. If this resonated, share it with a friend, your book club, or that one coworker who blushes every time someone says “vibrator.” Spread the good word—you never know whose life you might change. 😉
Want to expand your body’s capacity to experience mind-bending pleasure? Let’s get you there with two tailored 1:1 options:
Single 90-Minute Fire-starter Session: Think of this as the spark to your flame! 🔥 Together, we’ll create a strategy, equipping you with the tools you need to unlock the pleasure you’ve always hungered for. (Book your session here!)
The 6-Week Seduction Package: Ready for a pleasure deep dive? Together, we’ll hone in on one key area of your sexuality, unlocking confidence and insights that will empower you to embrace your pleasure-filled self unapologetically. Looking for tailored practices and personalised guidance —book a free connection call with me HERE !
Whether it’s a quick chat, a single session, or a longer journey together, I’m excited to connect with you.